A New Perspective On Relationships
by boshrocks
Summary: A series of PickUp lines written by the slightly insane teachers. With comments from our favourite characters. better than it sounds, i really suck at summaries.
1. Chapter 1

The usually stern Professor McGonagall repressed a snigger as she pushed the last pin into place. Glancing down she watched Professor Flitwick cackling away as he imagined the replies that would soon appear on the parchment.

The teachers had decided to cheer the students up a bit so they had decided to put up comment sheets on the notice board in the entrance hall.

It read: **A New Perspective On Relationships; Pick Up Lines For Magical People.**

You put the charm in charming.

_Oh please! (Hermione and Ginny)_

_Yeah, who would fall for that one? Even worse, who would use it? (Ron)_

_Only someone incredibly dumb…like Malfoy. (Harry)_

_Which one of us gets the girls, and which one doesn't? (Draco)_

…_um… (Harry)_

_My point exactly. (Draco)_

Feel like uncrumpling my Snorkack?

_Best not let Luna see that. Oh…hi Luna. (Ron)_

_That is not funny. It is incredibly hurtful. (Luna)_

_Yeah, we know. (Ginny)_

_We all saw what happened to Neville when he used it on Luna. (Fred)_

_I didn't. What happened? (Draco)_

_Let's just say…Neville won't be out of St Mungo's for a while. (George)_

_Never knew she could get so angry. (Hermione)_

_Or that she could turn him into a mandrake. (Ron)_

_Poor guy. (Harry)_

What engorgement charms did you use on that tent?

_That's wrong on so many levels. (Ginny)_

_Not to all of us. (Draco)_

_So…I take it you've used one on yours, then? (Hermione)_

_I thought only Weasley's could blush that much. (Harry, on seeing Malfoy's response)_

Your common room or mine?

_The teachers are encouraging us to break the rules? (Hermione)_

_Well, they aren't exactly as clear as Ron's crystal ball, if you know what I mean. (Lee)_

_Enlighten us. (Harry)_

_I heard the stoic McGonagall does let her hair down…very occasionally. (Lee)_

_On what planet? (Ron)_

_Weasley! (McGonagall)_

_Oops. (Ron)_

Don't ride brooms…ride quidditch players instead!

_Huh? I don't get that one. Care to explain Harry? (Neville)_

_Uh… (Harry)_

_How do you write a snigger? (Draco)_

_Why don't you explain it to him, Malfoy? You are the school stud. (Hermione)_

_How 'bout you test that one on me, Granger? (Draco)_

… _(Hermione)_

_Grr! (Harry, Ron, George, Fred, Lee)_

… _(Hermione)_

_Poor Hermione, Malfoy just made a pass at her. And who would ever want that? (Ginny)_

_It worked on you didn't it? (Draco)_

… _(Hermione)_

… _(Harry, Ron, Fred George)_

_What? They're both hot. (Draco)_

_Someone call the nurse. Hermione fainted. And Malfoy has a broken nose thanks to Ron. (Harry)_

_Don't forget that he needs someone to take the Bat Bogey Hex off him…'cos Ginny sure as hell won't do it anytime soon. (Dean)_

Wanna see my restricted section?

_Even Ron wouldn't use that line. (Ginny)_

_Let's ask the expert. Hermione, did he use it on you? (Harry)_

_(looks shifty) Maybe. (Hermione)_

_We're sorry, but Harry and Ginny can't come to the parchment right now as they are both rolling their eyes in Ron's direction. (Neville)_

Let's have a duel… in bed.

_Who came up with these? (Draco) _

_Although that's kinda a good one. (Blaise)_

_I am hereby refusing to acknowledge that I know you. (Draco)_

_I'm sure he feels the same about you all the time, ferret. After all; who wouldn't. (Ginny)_

_Nice burn! (Hermione)_

_I try. (Ginny)_

Did you put a Permanent Sticking Charm on my eyes…because I can't seem to take them off you?

_That one might work actually. (Harry)_

_Yeah, 'cos we all know you're desperate for some play, Potter. Even you might get lucky with this line. (Draco)_

_Malfoy, I don't know if you realise this, but you just agreed with Harry. (Hermione)_

…_shut up. (Draco)_

_Nice. (Ron)_

When I looked into the Mirror of Erised, all I saw was you.

_Awwwwwwwww! (All girls of Hogwarts)_

_Mind if we puke here? (Draco)_

_That's so sickly I wonder if Snape came up with these. (Ron)_

_Actually it was me, Mr Weasley. (Dumbledore)_

_When have you ever needed one? Sir? (Harry)_

_You would be surprised. (Dumbledore)_

_And that's all we need say about the subject. (glares at Dumbledore) (McGonagall)_

_EW!!!!!!!! (All students of Hogwarts)_

I don't speak Parseltongue, but you can unleash your Basilisk on me any day.

_Somehow I think this one is to be directed at Harry Potter. (Ron)_

_I don't have a basilisk! (Harry)_

_Oh really? Let's ask someone who knows, shall we? Ginny…any comments? (Lavender)_

_Oh! Look at the time! I really must run! (Ginny)_

_Ginny? It's not true is it? Ginny? Ginny?! (glares at Harry) (Ron)_

I got a new broom…wanna take it for a test drive?

_Technically only quidditch players could use this one and get away with it. (Hermione)_

_Works for us! (All house quidditch teams) _

If loving you is a crime, then send me to Azkaban pronto.

_I gotta remember that one. (Draco)_

_Even you wouldn't use one that corny. (Hermione)_

_Who says? I have never charmed you. (Draco)_

_Doesn't that tell you enough? (Hermione)_

_Hey, how 'bout you and I go out sometime? (Draco)_

…_I think I'm gonna be sick. (Hermione)_

I found a copy of the Karma Sutra in the library and read it cover to cover; now I want to test it…feel like helping?

_Is that book even in the library? (Hermione)_

_Don't you know? (Harry)_

_What's the Karma Sutra? (Ron)_

_Got me. Granger? Feel like sharing? (Draco)_

_I don't know if I should. (Hermione)_

_Ooh! Miss Prissy does know what it is. (Parvati) _

_You really are one of us after all. (Lavender)_

_Have you read it? (Parvati)_

…_Yeah. (Hermione)_

_You go girl! (Angelina) _

_Never thought you had it in you to read that one. (The Patil Twins)_

_Will someone just say what it is already?! (Ron)_

_Fine. It was the first sex manual written. But you have to be really bendy to do the positions. (Hermione, reluctantly)_

_You've read a sex manual? (Harry, deeply shocked)_

_I've said too much. (Hermione)_

_I'm liking you better already. (Draco)_

_Stay away from me ferret. (Hermione)_

I saw in my crystal ball that by midnight you'll be my love slave.

_Finally, one for us! (Lavender and Parvati)_

_Did Trelawny come up with this? (Ron)_

_Yes, actually. I just thought it was time to pass the torch to the younger generation. (Trelawny)_

_I think I'm scarred for life. (Ron)_

Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

_Good one for girls to use. (Lavender)_

_Yeah, we hardly have any. (Ginny)_

_For good reason! (Ron)_

_Just because you can't chat girls up without humiliating yourself, doesn't mean everyone acts like you. (Ginny)_

_I think he means that you're all so gorgeous that you don't need- (???)_

_If anyone's looking for Neville, please try the bottom of the Black Lake. (Harry, Ron, Fred, George, Lee, Draco, Blaise, Dean and Seamus)_

_Get him out of there! (Hermione)_

_Harry, you tell her. You're the only one brave enough. (Ron)_

_No, Hermione. (Harry)_

_NOW!!!!!!! (Hermione)_

_Yes, dear. (Ron)_

_Right away! (Harry)_

_It's already done. (Fred, George)_

_She reminds me of your mother, Weasley. (Lee)_

_You're not the only one. (All other boys)_

Do you like it doggie-style?

_Alright, who let Sirius come up with one? (Harry)_

_I wonder who he used it on. Mind you, I wonder who he didn't use it on. (Ron)_

_You really don't want to know who received that one. (Lupin)_

_Tell us. (Harry)_

_Please. (Hermione)_

_That line earned him two black eyes and a broken rib from James. (Lupin)_

_No way! He used it on my mother? (Harry)_

_Yup, James sure gave him hell for that. And that's nothing compared to what SHE did to him. (Lupin)_

_I'll bet. (Hermione)_

I invented a new love potion, but you'll have to kiss me for it to become effective.

_Smooth. (Harry)_

_Better than screaming at the poor girl, eh Ron? (George)_

_Shut up! (Ron)_

If I had a knut for every second I've been looking at you, I'd have ten galleons.

_STALKER!!!! (Hermione)_

_Calm down. (Ron)_

_If some bloke said that to me I would hit them. (Hermione)_

_I'm with you, girl. No one wants to sleep with a stalker. (Angelina)_

Baby, you must be a broom, 'cause you just swept me off my feet.

_Again with the broom thing. Who wrote these? (Harry)_

_Scarily enough I think Dumbledore did. (Ron)_

_Nah, must be someone like Snape. (Fred)_

_Who would ever make a pass at him? (Ginny)_

_Hey! (Snape)_

I may be in Slytherin but my snake won't bite.

_Alright, who blabbed? (Draco)_

_Malfoy, are you saying you came up with this? (Ron)_

_I didn't say that! (Draco)_

_Yeah, you did. (Harry)_

_Well at least Slytherins have the snake for inspiration. What do you Griffindorks have? (Draco)_

_I got one for you. How about: This lion'll make you roar. (Harry)_

_Nice! (Ron)_

_Use that on us and we will hit you. (Gryffindor girls)_

_Agreed. (All other girls in the school)_


	2. Chapter 2

**Want to see my pointy hat trick?**

_Surely they could come up with something better than that? (Ron)_

_I've used it. (George)_

_As of this moment I don't know you. (Ron)_

_Surprisingly that line works. (George)_

_It's true it does. (Fred)_

_What is wrong with you? Even I wouldn't use that line. (Ron)_

_That's not technically true. (Hermione)_

_What? (Ron)_

_Remember when you were trying to ask me out you made some obscure reference to your pointy hat? (Hermione)_

_Uh…um… urgh! (???)_

_I'm sorry but Ron can't come to the parchment right now as he is being attacked by flying bogies. Please leave a message after the beep…BEEP! (Harry)_

_Ginny! (Hermione)_

_I do what I must. Using a line that corny must be a crime of some sort. (Ginny)_

**For me to stop loving you is about as likely as Snape washing his hair.**

_That one's funny. (Ginny)_

_Yeah, cos it's true! (Harry)_

_Ten points from Gryffindor. (Snape)_

_Git. (Harry)_

_Hey! My hair is not that greasy! (Snape)_

_Oh just let it go Sev, you know it is. (McGonagall)_

**I'm under your spell.**

_Does anyone smell cheese? (Fred)_

_So cheesy. (Ginny)_

_I'm glad Ron never used that one on me. (Hermione)_

_Ditto for Harry. (Ginny)_

_Only someone like Malfoy would use that one. (Harry)_

_Even I don't stoop that low. (Ron)_

_No, dudes, I mean it. Does anyone smell cheese? As in the food, not the line. (Fred)_

**You've bewitched me.**

_Ew! (Harry)_

_What's the verdict girls? (Neville)_

_Sweet…but really corny. (Hermione)_

_Sweet-corn. (Ginny)_

_The whole of my family's gone mad. (Ron)_

_Yeah, starting with you. (Draco)_

**I see your wand is as big as mine.**

_Harry…over to you. (Ginny)_

_Ginny! I didn't make that one up! (Harry)_

_Yeah, that's one of mine. (Draco)_

_That's not something to be proud of. (Ron)_

_Besides, isn't your wand quite short? (Hermione)_

_That's not the point. (Draco)_

**My, my, if your blush is that fierce, then I bet you've got one stiff weasel.**

_To be directed at a Weasley I think. (Harry)_

_Weasley males. Not me. (Ginny)_

_Well, you can't deny there isn't a wealth of choice. (Hermione)_

_What do you mean? (Ron)_

_Have you seen how many Weasley men there actually are? (Hermione)_

_Merlin, there's more of them? (Draco)_

_Yeah, we've lost count of exactly how many cousins we have. (Fred)_

_Makes family functions hell. (George)_

_Family functions are hell anyway. (Lee)_

_Especially when no one can remember whose child is whose. (Fred)_

_Can't we make that more general so as not to only involve the Weasley clan? (Ron)_

_I've got a good one. You substitute the word weasel with ferret. Guess who it's aimed at? (Harry)_

_Malfoy. (Ginny)_

_Malfoy's do not blush. (Draco)_

_Not denying the ferret part though are you? (Hermione)_

…_shut up! It's a crap line anyway! (Draco)_

**You can rub the spine of my Monster Book anytime you want.**

_Way to ruin a simple gesture. (Ron)_

_The book or…the other thing? (Harry)_

_The book, man! I don't do the other thing…anymore. (Ron)_

_Oh you have been a naughty boy. (Fred)_

_Oh right, like you're as clear as my crystal ball. (Ron)_

_What's that supposed to mean? (Fred)_

_Only that Mister Fred isn't very faithful. (Ron)_

_What guff! (Fred)_

_Guff, you say. Shall I reveal what I know? (Ron)_

_This shouldn't take long. (Fred)_

_A little owl told me that you don't have one girlfriend …you have three. Including your own twin's girlfriend, your team captain's girlfriend… and that you have designs on MY girlfriend! (Ron)_

_Ronald, shut up! That's not true! (Fred)_

_Yes it is. I've seen you with all of them. (Ron)_

_What? (Alicia)_

_What?! (Angelina)_

_What?!?! (Katie)_

_WHAT??!!!!!!! (George)_

_All three chasers? Nice! (Draco)_

_Stay out of this Malfoy! (Fred)_

_You are in so much trouble! (Katie, Alicia, Angelina)_

_I would run if I were you. (Harry)_

_Message from Fred as he dashes past with the three chasers and his twin in hot pursuit: You are mincemeat Ronald! I'll get you for this, and your little owl too!_

**I'm not focussed on the you-know-who so much as the you-know-what.**

_What does that mean? (Draco)_

_I think it's some obscure reference to Voldy-shorts. (Harry)_

_I wonder if he ever got lucky with the ladies. (Ron)_

_I doubt it. Have you seen the guy recently? (Harry)_

_I don't know, he's pretty close to Bellatrix Lestrange. (Draco)_

_Yeah she's his bitch. (Fred)_

_Don't blame him either. (George)_

_What the hell? (Ron)_

_What? She's hot. (George)_

_Who are you and what have you done with our brother? (Fred, Ron, Ginny)_

**You want me. I've foreseen it. **

_Another one of Trelawny's I think. (Ron)_

_It may surprise you to learn that I came up with that one. (McGonagall)_

_WHAT???!!!!! (Entire student body)_

_But that makes no sense. You hate Divination. (Hermione)_

_Almost as much as you do, I gather. (McGonagall)_

_Yeah. I never really clicked with that subject. (Hermione)_

_I'll say! (Harry, Ron)_

_Shut up boys! (Hermione)_

_ANYWAY… (Ron)_

_Is this why you hate Divination so much? You were rejected with this line. (Harry)_

_I wasn't rejected. Kingsley liked it. I gather he thought it amusing. (McGonagall)_

_Kingsley Shacklebolt? As in our new minister? (Draco)_

_One and the same. (McGonagall)_

_So what happened? (Harry)_

_After our brief romance [stop pretending to puke Mr Weasley! I decided to remain celibate and have steered clear of that dreadful subject. (McGonagall)_

_Which one? Divination or men? (Hermione)_

…_Both. (McGonagall)_

_Wise choice. (Hermione, Ginny)_

_Hey, we're not that bad! (Harry, Ron)_

_I stand uncorrected. (Hermione)_


End file.
